CAN'T READ, CAN'T WRITE

(by Matt Keene aka Gunther Farmer)


When I was a young boy, my 
  father said to me: 
"Oi, Gunther, what you doin', you 
  can't keep plantin' seeds!
Farmin's nearly dead, you
  need to use your 'ead, 
Why don't you get some proper work?" And 
  here is what I said:

	I can't read and I can't write but 
	  that don't really ma'er, 
	'cause I live in Montague where		... come from the countryside and
	  I can drive a tra'er!
	Every day I sing and dance and		I can't sing and I can't dance but
	  that is all that matters			that don't really ma'er,
	'cause I live in Montague where		... come from the countryside and
	  I've got friends with tra'ers!		I can drive a ...

My father did resist, he 
  even twist my wrist;
he made me try new things... like 
  plumbin'? 
I tried an office job; it 
  really was a slob, and in the
end I just gave up -- I 
  couldn't give a parsnip!

Daddy was upset -- he 
  said he lost a bet;
I wish he could see city 
  life ain't for me. 
I'm alright on the farm -- I 
  sure can't do no harm 
to people on the street when I got 
  wellies on my feet!

	I can't read ...

Some jobs I just can't do, like 
  scrapin' up cow poo, 
and scrapin' up chicken poo, and basically 
  anything to do with poo. 
I tried to milk a cow, I 
  didn't quite know how, 
so I grabbed at her udder and well she 
  kicked me in the face. (Moo) 

I did grow fruit and veg, then a 
  pig broke through the hedge, 
and ate all my prised sprouts ... Mmm, 
  bacon.
I did try growin' wheat, but I was 
  met with defeat, 
when it turned out to be corn. That's what you 
  get for reading the Montague Reporter		watching Countryfile
	  and not really paying attention 
	  to the job at hand

	I can't read ...
	
	I can't read ...








recording: Gunther Farmer (2014)

[YouTube]

observed: Cheltenham Town football cheer (1999) [The Guardian]

observed: Southampton football cheer (2007) [Urban Dictionary]

observed: Inside My Head by Jim Carrington (2010) [Google Books]

observed: Cheltenham Town football cheer (~2010) [Terrace Chants]

observed: Southampton football cheer (strawberry verse, 2018) [Sotonians]

observed: Bristol City football cheer (2020) [Twitter]

observed: Cheltenham Town football cheer (2020) [YouTube]

observed: Brechin City cheer [Fan Chants]