I NEVER HARMED AN ONION

(by Lanny Grey, Moe Jaffe, and Ginger Grey)

I'll admit I've split bananas,
Took Easter eggs and made them dye,
But I never harmed an onion,
So why should they make me cry?

I turn up my nose at turnips;
Don't care at all for carrot pie,
But I never harmed an onion,
So why should they make me cry?

	Potatoes I've mashed and berries I've crushed.
	I've made an artichoke, and that's not all.
	I've also whipped cream and beaten an egg,
	And, yes, I've even made a melon ball.

	  Of all the things above, I'm guilty.
	  If punished, I would know just why,
	  But I never harmed an onion,
	  So why should they make me cry?

Now, I've cut off a head of cabbage (yes, I have)
And squeezed watercress until it's dry,
But I never harmed an onion,
So why should they make me cry?

Once I saw a salad dressing.
My face got radish -- my, oh, my! --
But I never harmed an onion,
So why should they make me cry?

	Potatoes I've mashed ...

	  Of all the things above, ...

recording: Steve Allen and His Orchestra (1956) [YouTube]

recording: Rowlf the Dog on The Muppet Show (1976) [YouTube]

background: possible precursor? I've Never Wronged An Onion (before 1937) [Monologues]